by Matt Tarpey
Maybe we’re just biased, but it seems that the planet earth is a fairly sought-after piece of property. For whatever reason, be it the abundant natural resources, earth’s ever-popular ability to produce and sustain life, or her uncanny knack for being located at a point in space-time that is strategically desirable to warring alien civilizations, there always seems to be somebody eager to invade our little blue corner of the universe. So far, all of them have failed.
We at Man Cave Daily worry that our luck may one day run out, and that it’s really just a matter of time before our planet is successfully overrun. So, in an effort to appease our future conquerors and perhaps get ourselves a place as their court jesters or pets or some other position outside of the work camps, we humbly offer some advice for would-be alien overlords hoping to dominate the earth and all her inhabitants.
Humans Are Not the Only Inhabitants of Earth
Do…you have faces?
This may come as a shock to you, and indeed to many humans reading this, but we are actually not the only force to be reckoned with on this planet. Sure, we’re the only ones with guns and fighter jets and Will Smith, but don’t count the animal kingdom out. Don’t get so fixated on us when watching and scheming from afar that you fail to notice the plethora of bugs and bacteria with whom we share this little planet. You wouldn’t want to be a couple days into conquest of planet earth only for your machines to begin to fail and your soldiers to start falling ill. Boy would your faces be red! Or whatever color your faces turn to when embarrassed, you get the point.
Water
If, on the other hand, your weakness isn’t water but story logic…
Before you land on a planet you wish to seize control of, it is wise to first understand the make up of its surface. If, say, 72% of the planet’s surface is covered in a substance that is toxic, poisonous, or corrosive to your mortal bodies, you might consider skipping on to the next solar system. Even if you have some murky and poorly thought out assumption that it’s only holy water or something that causes your flesh to burn, we say take no chances. Seriously, our planet is positively BRIMMING with water. To be honest, we sort of assumed that was one of the main reasons for your interest in our humble little home. And we get it! Some of our biggest, most important achievements as a species have involved new techniques for spreading water throughout the small portion of the planet that’s NOT already covered by water. And if that’s not enough, the stuff literally falls from the sky. Hell, sometimes it even shoots out of the ground. If water is going to be a problem for you, then you may want to think twice before landing.
Encrypt Your Computers
Maybe Roland Emmerich should pack it in
Or, better yet, try not using Snow Leopard as the main OS for your mother ship. Just as the earth is replete with viruses ready to ransack your fragile alien bodies, so is the Internet teeming with viruses ready to crash your systems and mockingly taunt you with 8-bit cartoons and looped midi files. Using the World Wide Web to learn our languages and culture makes sense, even if it will give you a pretty warped and decidedly more cat-centric view of mankind; just don’t click any links you don’t trust. Oh, and make sure to back up your files, just in case.
Superheroes
This one may seem a little far-fetched, and no, as far as the general public is aware, superheroes aren’t a real thing, but we also thought that alien invaders were just fiction yet here you are, so all bets are off. If you find yourself going up against some sort of super-powered individual, remember that they usually don’t win by strength or brute power, but with craftiness and creativity. Play your cards close to the chest, and keep them guessing. And if you get the opportunity, kill them, and make sure they are dead. Don’t stand over them and cackle as they gasp and cough. Don’t toss them aside hoping they’ll run away in disgrace, never to be seen again. That’s not gonna happen. Just kill them and be done with it.
Take Out Military Bases Before Big Cities
While major metropolitan areas may be better targets than sleepy suburban towns or farms out in the middle of nowhere, they’re still not ideal. Even if you take out our top leadership by leveling our capital cities, most of our military forces will be left intact. There’s always some young recruit eager to prove himself or a begrudging, jaded old timer who will take up command and pull off an inspiring last minute speech to rally humanity. That’s why it is important that you take out our military installations first.
It basically all comes down to research. For all the technological superiority and intellect unmatched by human kind, most alien civilizations that attempt to take over our planet are woefully underprepared. However, if you keep these simple tips in mind, shamelessly offered to you by Man Cave Daily in exchange for our lives, you can successfully claim the Earth as your very own!
Badass runs straight to the bone
Matt Tarpey once played Michael Jordan’s son in basketball. Now that that’s out there, maybe he’ll stop bragging about it around the office. Find him on Twitter @Matt_Tarpey.
Fortunately we have a whole generation of badasses to defend us in Matt’s Five Surprisingly Badass Kids’ Shows Adults Can Enjoy. –>
